Rage Republic!

In a path-breaking initiative, India has come up with a new policy of Outrage Index which categorizes people according to their vulnerability levels and the nature of issues that can hurt them.

Based on the recommendations of an expert committee, the central cabinet gave its nod to what is being billed as a revolutionary concept in governance that can provide a sense of re-assurance to various social groups who often hit the streets to express their hurt feelings.

Using a complex set of algorithms, experts have formulated the index that takes into consideration several parameters such as social, cultural, religious, regional, linguistic, caste and sub-caste status of individuals and their proclivity to get offended in any or all of these spheres.

“Like BMI (Body Mass Index) to measure your obesity level, the Outrage Index gauges your propensity to get hurt. This gives us a broad framework to make policies,” said a senior official of the Planning Commission which has been chosen as a nodal agency to implement the national policy on outrage management.

By putting in place a mechanism to measure the potential outrage among various sections, India hopes to become a global leader in terms of per capita indignation. The amazing ethnic diversity and a vast pool of young, aggrieved souls provide an ideal platform for India to emerge as a superpower in the anger market with highest GDO (Gross Domestic Outrage), the officials claimed.

Given the recent spurt in the number of cases involving hurt sentiments, it has been decided to create a data bank of various social denominations and the issues that can provoke them to take the law into their own hands.  

Accordingly, the application form for Aaadhar cards will incorporate a column “Outrage Status”, asking people to specify what will hurt their sentiments in the order of intensity.  In another far-reaching move, the government has decided to replace the Central Board of Film Certification with the Outrage Regulation and Management Committee headed by sagacious political thinker Digvijay Singh.

The Committee will recommend banning the movies with objectionable content even before any fringe outfit makes such a demand, thereby upholding the freedom of the potential aggrieved groups. It will also suggest cuts and audio mutes if they are deemed offensive to 25,000 odd “hyper-sensitive social denominations”.   

A similar system of screening will be put in place for art galleries, literary festivals and music academies. The artistes, painters and authors will henceforth be required to submit applications in triplicate, duly attested by a gazetted officer in the presence of at least two witnesses, stating that they would take full responsibility for any violent attacks by the offended mobs.