'You Conceive. We Will Deliver IITian'

In a major scientific breakthrough, a leading IIT-JEE coaching institution in the country has invented an ultrasound scanning machine that can be used to impart lessons in Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry to the yet-to-be-born child in mother’s womb.

Using sound waves, the new technology converts loads of information into an easily absorbable substance that can start nourishing the foetus from fourth month onwards. “As the baby grows in the womb, it starts absorbing the CBSE syllabus chapter-wise. During weekends, there will be revision of syllabus that has been covered,” said the project head.

For parents who dream about their children becoming IITians so that they can hold their heads high in social circles, the coaching through ultrasound technology comes as a boon. Instead of sending their wards to the IIT Foundation coaching from primary school stage, they can now deliver a fully-grown, IIT-compliant baby.

Christened as “Sono Sona” (Golden Sound), the new technology will be patented soon and offered through a leading chain of diagnostics with Pan-India footprint, the institute spokesman said. “You conceive. We will deliver IITian,” will be the tagline of the institute.

I Outrage, Therefore I am

In a major social outreach initiative, Indian government has drawn up plans to do away with the age-old, exploitative caste system. In its place, a new, scientific categorization of people based on 'Outrage Index' will be undertaken to reflect changing realities.

Under the new policy, one billion plus people will be divided into groups according to their vulnerability levels and the nature of issues that can hurt their sentiments.

Using a complex set of algorithms, experts have recommended Outrage Index that takes into consideration several parameters such as social, cultural, religious, regional and other identities of individuals and their proclivity to get offended in any or all of these spheres.

“If outrage levels were to be factored into Human Development Index, India would have been the most developed nation by now. Why not leverage this inherent strength of ours to formulate appropriate public policies?” said a senior official of the Union Home Ministry involved in formulation of national policy on outrage management.

“Like BMI (Body Mass Index) to measure your obesity level, the Outrage Index gauges your propensity to get hurt. This gives us a broad framework to make policies,” the official said.

India has a potential to emerge as a superpower in terms of GDO (Gross Domestic Outrage) with people willing to pour out their outrage on a wide range of issues and often hitting the streets to demand ban on works of art they have not read/watched.

Given the recent spurt in the number of cases involving hurt sentiments, it has been decided to create a data bank of various social denominations and the issues that can provoke them to take the law into their own hands. As part of the initiative, the application form for Aaadhar cards will incorporate a column “Outrage Status”, asking people to specify what will hurt their sentiments in the order of intensity.

Meanwhile, Home Ministry has approached Arnab Goswami, the country’s leading player in anger market, to head the committee to formulate outrage guidelines. However, he expressed outrage over the idea of Outrage Index itself. “It seems he has an angrier-than-thou attitude,” an official said.

“Interstellar” scientific concepts simplified

1) Theory of Relativity: A phenomenon where politicians in power will ensure that the benefits are distributed among relatives.

2) Wormhole Travel: A cosy short-cut to power. It is like a fold in the fabric of space and time that connects two points separated by vast distances running into decades. By entering a wormhole, one can complete the political journey to power within a short span of time.

3) Spinning Black Holes: An extremely dense, massive and compact concentration of power that is dark with dishonesty. So much so that those around its periphery have a warped perception of space and time. They can actually distort time and space around them.

4) Gravitational Time Dilation: Since time is a relative construct, it runs at different rates for different reference frames. Those who are closer to a strong gravitational environment, provided by the lucre of power, experience slower rate of time flow, compared to the people struggling with their day-to-day lives in a weaker gravitational environment. As a result, you will find that people who are pitchforked to power appear to possess age-defying youthfulness.

5) Artificial Gravity: Creating a centrifugal force that pushes the unwanted functionaries of a political organisation to the outer walls of the power center so that only the kith and kin and dynasty worshippers can stay comfortably grounded.

6) Neutron stars: The next generation leaders of political dynasties. Of course, only sons.

7) Cryo-hibernation: Putting to sleep and reducing the metabolic rate of the traveler for a long haul journey. Example: Deve Gowda.

8) Tesseract, The Gravitational Singularity: A fifth dimension portal that allows a politician to manipulate space and time and rewrite the poll manifestoes of the past.

Media Statement From The Other World

“Following passage of the Space Acquisition Act by a joint sitting of the Union of Republics, the stage is now set for rolling out an ambitious project of inter-galactic super highway by removing the obstacles.

In a bid to improve infrastructure to facilitate high speed space travel across galaxies, the super highway project has been proposed. In the first phase, M23 star and the planets orbiting it would be cleared to make way for the super highway which is critical for our high speed inter-galactic missions and establishing new habitations.

An experts committee, constituted to study the project, had pointed out that one of the planets in the M23 star system harbours living creatures. But, after careful consideration of the facts and the pressing need to put in place the super highway project, it was concluded that the Blue Planet, which contains less advanced life, can be done away with. This small blue dot, with three-fourths water, has creatures that are anyway bent upon destroying their habitat.

The life span of even the most advanced among the species on this obscure planet does not exceed 100 planetary years. It is miniscule by any standards. Moreover, they had arrived quite recently compared to the age of the planet which is about 4.5 billion planetary years. It is also pointed out by experts that the Blue Planet civilization is not so advanced as to warrant establishing contact with them.

Under Section 66 of the Space Acquisition Act, all such obstacles can be removed to make way for building appropriate infrastructure to cater to our future space missions.”