Reason calls it quits

In a startling decision, Reason has announced that it was leaving the media sector forever. The move climaxes years of silent struggle and humiliation as the Indian media outlets across print, electronic and web platforms have been treating Reason with utter disdain and contempt.

“Enough is enough. I am leaving with a heavy heart. I have realized that I have no place in the media anymore,” Reason said in an emotional farewell statement.

In a moving recount of its journey, it said how logic and reason used to form the bedrock of journalism in the past and how, over years, the basic tenets of the Fourth Estate have been compromised and corrupted.

“Like how script has become irrelevant for Salman Khan’s movies, I have become irrelevant for media analysis,” Reason lamented.

Potholes declare themselves as a sovereign nation

Potholes in Hyderabad have declared themselves as a sovereign nation and vowed to resist any attempts to tinker with the state of the city roads.

The decision has been taken ahead of a rigorous monsoon season, a time when potholes become the sole destination for rain water seeking shelter. “We have been facing humiliation by commuters. They hurl choicest abuses at us every day. This is hurting our sentiments,” said a spokesman of the Large and Medium Potholes’ Association of Greater Hyderabad.

“Enough is enough. We cannot swallow these insults anymore. Just leave us alone,” the spokesman said. Already, the impact of their steely resolve to become an independent entity is being felt by the road users. The city traffic is brought to a grinding halt every day, thanks to the brave and resilient fight put up by the potholes.

A report from the Other World

In yet another controversial decision by the Almighty, gunman Omar Mateen’s free will was upheld while ignoring the cries of 49 innocent victims at a nightclub on the Blue Planet.

The decision drew flak from the critics who dubbed it as one more instance of grave moral blunder by someone who is revered by the earthlings as the benevolent creator. “This is a serious cosmic injustice. What moral authority does the venerated Protector of Souls have after such a fatal error of judgement?” the detractors wondered.

They pointed out that the Lord had full sixty minutes at His disposal to do a miracle and save the lives of the screaming revellers at the Orlando nightclub before the bullets snuffed the life out of them in what is seen as a senseless carnage.

The experts who have been observing the events on the tiny celestial body, both causal and random occurrences, point out that this is not the first time that the Almighty’s action has been called into question. “There is a need to demystify this whole business of cosmic management. At least, it needs to be clarified that the Creator has no jurisdiction over the individual life events and therefore should not be held accountable for anything going wrong with the mankind,” an expert on existential dilemmas said.

Citing the outbreak of Ebola virus, which claimed 10,365 lives across the planet, a senior critic said, “It was ironical that a few survivors of this deadly disease conducted prayers to thank God while no one demanded accountability for the deaths.”

The Supreme Being was not available for comments. All calls made to His abode, some even disguised as prayers, went unanswered at the time of going to the press.

Journalist found offering no expert comment on "Brexit"

In a startling development, a journalist was found not offering any profound analysis on Brexit. Abhijit (42) was seen going about his life normally, even several hours after the British referendum that triggered an online avalanche of analytical columns by senior media professionals and social scientists.

While his colleagues at office, ranging from resident editor to intern, came up with high-sounding theories on global implications of Brexit and prophetic one-liners on the future of international politics, he remained silent and did not take part in animated discussions on what lay ahead for the world.

“When I met Abhijit at office canteen, he merely reeled out the final tally of the “Remain” and “Leave” voting percentages. I was shocked because there was no hint of analysis in his tone and no insight into the subaltern factors and big picture impact. No attempt to link it to the angst of the aspirational class. How can a journalist be ignorant about the geo-political dynamics of such a cataclysmic event?” wondered a colleague on condition of anonymity.

When reports last came in, the media office was a beehive of political gyan being dished out by small groups of people gathered all over: cubicles, corridors, water cooler corner and canteen. Some spoke animatedly about how Brexit was a starting point of Britian’s inexorable descent into chaos and disintegration of Europe while others characterised it as a collective expression of sense of independence.

Now, LHC project to focus on Arnab

After the successful Large Hadron Collider (LHC) experiment, a team of global scientists has now embarked on a more ambitious and challenging research project to determine what causes highest human outrage level in Arnab Goswami.

Like the mysterious ‘God Particle’ that is believed to provide mass to the matter in the Universe, there could be a sub-atomic particle that gives God-like rage and a sense of omniscient power to Arnab. “The challenge before us is to pinpoint this mysterious element and understand its properties,” said a senior researcher associated with the project.

The experiment involves collecting samples of Arnab’s sound waves from ‘News Hour’ programme and putting them through the particle accelerator for a collision with protons. The collision data will then be analysed to observe the unique behaviour of Arnab’s sound waves.

Hailed as a marriage between behavioural science and quantum physics, the research project is expected to help scientists quantify, in absolute terms, the elusive “Arnab Constant,” the highest theoretically possible human outrage level, and set a benchmark for future. It will then become a standard measurement like gravity and atmospheric pressure.

'You Conceive. We Will Deliver IITian'

In a major scientific breakthrough, a leading IIT-JEE coaching institution in the country has invented an ultrasound scanning machine that can be used to impart lessons in Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry to the yet-to-be-born child in mother’s womb.

Using sound waves, the new technology converts loads of information into an easily absorbable substance that can start nourishing the foetus from fourth month onwards. “As the baby grows in the womb, it starts absorbing the CBSE syllabus chapter-wise. During weekends, there will be revision of syllabus that has been covered,” said the project head.

For parents who dream about their children becoming IITians so that they can hold their heads high in social circles, the coaching through ultrasound technology comes as a boon. Instead of sending their wards to the IIT Foundation coaching from primary school stage, they can now deliver a fully-grown, IIT-compliant baby.

Christened as “Sono Sona” (Golden Sound), the new technology will be patented soon and offered through a leading chain of diagnostics with Pan-India footprint, the institute spokesman said. “You conceive. We will deliver IITian,” will be the tagline of the institute.

I Outrage, Therefore I am

In a major social outreach initiative, Indian government has drawn up plans to do away with the age-old, exploitative caste system. In its place, a new, scientific categorization of people based on 'Outrage Index' will be undertaken to reflect changing realities.

Under the new policy, one billion plus people will be divided into groups according to their vulnerability levels and the nature of issues that can hurt their sentiments.

Using a complex set of algorithms, experts have recommended Outrage Index that takes into consideration several parameters such as social, cultural, religious, regional and other identities of individuals and their proclivity to get offended in any or all of these spheres.

“If outrage levels were to be factored into Human Development Index, India would have been the most developed nation by now. Why not leverage this inherent strength of ours to formulate appropriate public policies?” said a senior official of the Union Home Ministry involved in formulation of national policy on outrage management.

“Like BMI (Body Mass Index) to measure your obesity level, the Outrage Index gauges your propensity to get hurt. This gives us a broad framework to make policies,” the official said.

India has a potential to emerge as a superpower in terms of GDO (Gross Domestic Outrage) with people willing to pour out their outrage on a wide range of issues and often hitting the streets to demand ban on works of art they have not read/watched.

Given the recent spurt in the number of cases involving hurt sentiments, it has been decided to create a data bank of various social denominations and the issues that can provoke them to take the law into their own hands. As part of the initiative, the application form for Aaadhar cards will incorporate a column “Outrage Status”, asking people to specify what will hurt their sentiments in the order of intensity.

Meanwhile, Home Ministry has approached Arnab Goswami, the country’s leading player in anger market, to head the committee to formulate outrage guidelines. However, he expressed outrage over the idea of Outrage Index itself. “It seems he has an angrier-than-thou attitude,” an official said.