Catch my promise, if you can

In a major breakthrough, Indian scientists have synthesized an enzyme in laboratory that can instantly convert poll manifestoes into biodegradable matter and make them vanish into thin air without a trace.

A group of researchers at chemical synthesis laboratory of Hyderabad-based Indian Institute of Bio-Chemical Technology (IIBCT) made the path-breaking discovery, catapulting the country to the global chemical map.

“Imagine placing camphor powder in open air. Will it not vanish without a trace after a while? Similarly, all election manifestoes, in print, electronic and digital forms, will evaporate when treated with this enzyme,” explained lead researcher Dr Shubhanshu Mittal.

Nick-named “Vaada” (Promise in English), the synthetic enzyme will trigger a unique chemical process by which the environmental waste like poll manifestoes will break down into invisible matter and disappear into the atmosphere under normal room temperature.

Dr Mittal and his team of researchers unraveled the chemical pathway of the enzyme and showed how it can provide an effective solution to the country’s most hazardous pollutants like manifesto documents. Their research paper has been published in the latest edition of prestigious international journal “Nature.”

“It is scalable and upgradable. Once we start commercial production, this product will transform the election scene in India. A new era of guilt-free poll promises will begin. We are delighted to be part of this revolution,” the scientist said.

The IIBCT has already written to the Department of Science and Technology (DST), seeking approval for commercial production of the wonder enzyme and entering into supply agreements with individual political parties.   

The eco-friendly product will enhance biodegradation process, specifically targeting the portions of manifesto documents containing populist promises and neutralizing them instantly. It comes in mechanical, electronic and digital variants to cater to various applications.

Another unique feature of this synthetic enzyme is that it will automatically get activated across the platforms once the polling ends. Soon after the last vote is polled, all the existing copies of manifestoes, irrespective of their form, will start disintegrating and within no time disappear into thin air, leaving their authors guilt-free.  

The audio and video CDs, containing manifesto promises, will automatically start playing Bappi Lahiri songs.

“It is clean and environment-friendly. No messy chemicals. No pollution,” Dr Mittal said, explaining the significance of his team’s research work.

The implications of this discovery could be far-reaching in a country where politicians promise the moon to entice voters.  Elections provide a carnival time for political parties to vie with one another to make innovative and often bizarre promises. However, they find it difficult to implement them once they come to power while opposition parties retain the luxury of populism.

According to a nation-wide survey conducted by AC Nielson ORG-MARG, a market research company, over 84 percent of all poll promises made by parties across political spectrum were either consigned to dustbins or implemented cursorily. It was also found that an overwhelming 92 percent of politicians secretly wished that they had a magic wand to make manifestoes vanish after each election.

“It is to this urge of our rulers that this product caters,” said another member of the research team. While all other Indian products face fierce competition from China, this one is an exception. “We are lucky that there are no elections in China. We hope to dominate the market,” the scientist said.

                 

Gentleman at Jantar Mantar

Like bereaved individuals, beleaguered organizations also need “Odarpu”. Who can understand this better than YS Jagan Mohan Reddy who holds a patent for discovering this unique form of political outreach?

Extending his “Odarpu” Yatra to Delhi, the former Kadapa MP has consoled Congress leadership with some touching words like these: “I am a gentleman. I will not dislodge the government though I have the numbers.” The assurance came as a balm to the bruised souls of Congress bosses. 

In tune with the “Indian tradition” of reaching out to the affected families instead of summoning them to nearby “district headquarters to distribute compensation”, the young leader landed at the national capital to personally provide comfort to Congress leadership on its home turf.

Moved by his gesture, the Congress Working Committee (CWC) unanimously adopted a one-line resolution, thanking its one-time bête noir for allowing its government in Andhra Pradesh to stay.

During a marathon meeting of the party’s highest decision-making body, the leaders took note of the magnanimity of Yuva Neta and promised to reciprocate his gesture appropriately.

“Look, he is, after all, a pampered boy prone to tantrums.  But, he is generous at heart. Is it not an act of generosity that he does not want to unseat our government despite having the required numbers?” a senior AICC leader said, putting the whole exercise in perspective.

While the dramatic volte face has stunned political circles in the state, veteran Congress-watchers, however, saw it as yet another sign of ongoing self-introspection in the grand old party. The first such signal was available recently when the party publicly admitted that imposition of emergency was a mistake and made critical assessment of its past leaders including Indira Gandhi and Sanjay Gandhi.

“The CWC wishes to place on record its appreciation of large-heartedness of Shri Jagan Mohan Reddy in deciding not to disturb our government from serving the people,” the resolution said. 

 The turn-around came close on the heels of Jagan’s historic speech at Jantar Mantar where he declared himself as “gentleman” and laid bare his merciful and benevolent soul.  At a meeting of the party’s core committee, where matters of national importance are discussed, the leaders veered round to the view that they deserved some consolation in the face of continuous onslaught by BJP in the Parliament and outside on corruption issue.

“After receiving “Odarpu”, we now understand its benefits. We are planning to take it up as a national programme and include under Common Minimum Programme,” said a CWC member.

Political observers, news anchors, chat show hosts and telegenic analysts furiously speculated over the impact of this historic development on the state politics. However, going by the diversity of opinions and mutually contradicting media reports, it is not clear what it holds for the future.

Speculation is rife that the surprise bonhomie will eventually lead to anointing Jagan as Chief Minister, as an act of atonement by high command for the anguish and mental agony caused to him since September 3, 2009.

According to another school of thought applicable in the parallel world, since the son of “Maha Neta” is ruling the hearts of millions, he has already earned the coveted position.          

Indian Onion bags highest bid at IPL auction

The fourth season of IPL players’ auction has concluded on a tearful note with Indian Onion bagging highest bid for an undisclosed amount.

As 353 cricketers across the globe lined up to go under hammer, it was the swashbuckling all-rounder, Onion, which emerged as clear winner, commanding highest price. The imported Pakistani variety was not allowed to participate in the auction on security grounds.

“The outcome of the auction shows that Onion is the costliest player in Indian kitchen,” said sports analyst Varsha Bhosle.  It also signaled arrival of India at the global high table.

It is first time in the history of IPL tournament that the highest bid went to non-human category. However, sports commentators pored over the past records and pointed out that the only instance which came very close to this was when Andrew Symonds was picked up by one of the IPL franchises. It may be recalled that Symonds was famously described as ‘monkey’ by ‘turbanator’ Harbhajan Singh. It was later clarified by ICC referee, who happened to be an Australian, that Symonds could not be technically clubbed under non-human category.

After a nail-biting bidding war involving top Bollywood stars and corporate bigwigs, Onion was bought by Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) which also picked up Gautam Gambhir for a paltry sum of Rs 11 crore. The amount for which Onion went under the hammer was not disclosed by the organizers, saying it was ‘priceless’. The owner of KKR, Shah Rukh Khan, is said to be proud of his prized possession as it also helps him to do away with dependence on glycerin.   

The high-profile auction, spread over two days, saw some of the big names in international cricket falling by the way side as Onion made its way to the top. Expectedly, it brought tears to the cricketers who went unsold.  The long list of sulking players included former captain Sourav Ganguly. Dada’s fans went berserk on Kolkata streets, staging protest rallies.

“If Shah Rukh Khan was so desperate to buy something that facilitates tears, he could as well bid for Dada. Why Onion, of all things?” wondered a Ganguly fan.

Fuming at their non-inclusion in the bidding process, Pakistan Cricket Board alleged that it was a conspiracy by International Cricket Council (ICC) President Sharad Pawar who also happens to be Indian Agriculture Minister facing flak over rising food prices.

“We helped India tide over crisis by exporting Onions. Is this the way to reciprocate our friendly gesture?” a spokesman of PCB said.

Back home, the auction process evoked strong reactions from opposition parties. The BJP, which once had a bitter experience of being voted out of power in several states due to abnormal rise in onion price, said the development reflected total failure of the UPA government to check soaring prices of essential commodities.

“For a party which talks about its commitment to aam aadmi, it is a matter of shame that an essential ingredient of common man’s diet should have made its way to auctioneer’s table,” a national spokesman of BJP said.

Condemning corporatization of sports, the left parties advocated state-controlled IPL tournament and representation to trade unionists in the governing body.   

  

  

     

Sky is the limit for flying politicians

Air India, the state-owned flag carrier, has unveiled an attractive package for AP politicians making frequent trips to New Delhi.

Under the discount scheme, all frequent fliers will get 50 percent off on fare with a minimum requirement of ten trips to the national capital in a month, a stipulation that many Congress leaders will find easy to meet. The women politicians will get an additional 33 percent relief to enable them to effectively fight for passage of the long-pending women reservation bill in the Parliament.

“After a prolonged research by our expert teams who studied the travel patterns of favour-seekers, power brokers, ministerial aspirants and back-biters, we have formulated this innovative package,” said a spokesman of the domestic carrier.

Elaborating on the salient features of the scheme, he said a special offer has been designed for those making pilgrimage to 10, Janpath. Keeping in view the difficulty being faced by these devotees in securing appointment with their deity and the uncertainty surrounding their return trip, the airline has offered a flexible model under which validity of discount has been extended up to 30 working days.

As a special gesture during the period of waiting, free transport by Volvo coaches will be arranged from AP Bhavan to the entry point at Janpath once a day.

On special festive occasions like legislature party meetings, cabinet formation and expansion, specific offers on bulk bookings will be worked out. “Buy Two, Get One Free” offer will be applicable to central observers drafted to oversee the sacred ritual of legislature party meetings to pass one-line resolutions on a plethora of pressing issues ranging from selecting new chief ministers to deciding the names of new anti-poverty schemes.

“For example, if Pranab and Moily are traveling, Azad will get Azadi from airfare,” the spokesman explained.

Aviation experts said that the new scheme would help the domestic carrier improve its bottom line in view of the potential for exponential growth in volumes. “The Delhi-bound traffic is expected to grow multifold, thanks to prolonged political uncertainty in states like AP. This augurs well for airline industry,” an analyst said.

“This scheme is a boon for us. In real terms, we can actually reduce burden on tax-payers,” said a legislator who was once struck in the national capital for 28 days, waiting for appointment with the party president.

However, the opposition BJP cried foul and said it was yet another instance of gross misuse of power and subversion of state-owned institutions. “This will bleed the public carrier dry,” the party spokesman said.

       

In a tongue-in-cheek remark, senior BJP leader M Venkaiah Naidu said the Air India flights should henceforth be called AICC (All India Congress Carriers). “Clearly, they are on a flight of fantasy, dreaming of coming to power in the next elections. But, their dreams are bound to be grounded,” he said.

The airline spokesman, however, clarified that the discount scheme was politically-neutral. Citing the high potential of BJP traffic on Bengaluru-Delhi route, he said the saffron party could also avail the discount offers during such testing times.        

           

   

Stay charged, DMK style

After making seminal contributions to telecom growth in the country through its illustrious leader A Raja, DMK has now advocated a political equivalent of Mobile Number Portability (MNP). This revolutionary concept will enable the party to continue in power even after shifting loyalty to another coalition.

While MNP allows mobile phone users to retain their number even after changing their operator, the political version of the technology helps regional coalition partners to continue in power and serve the nation, irrespective of the nature of political dispensation.

The DMK has formulated a draft bill for Parliament’s approval. “This is a perfect marriage between technology and politics. It will transform the way we serve the nation,” said a spokesman of DMK.   

It may be recalled that DMK has been part of both NDA and UPA governments at the Centre and is a strong believer in continuity. It has mooted the idea of Political Portability to tackle the issue of instability that has been the bane of rickety coalitions in the past.

“All technologies are ideology-neutral. Why should politics alone be bogged down by ideology? What we are attempting here is a synergy between emerging technology and age-old politics,” the spokesman explained.   

Seen as yet another revolutionary idea flowing from Kalaignar’s pen, it will be introduced in the coming budget session of the Parliament. In tune with the established trend, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has been kept in the dark about the new legislation. “I have not seen the proposal. Once I am allowed access to it, I will examine it from the point of view of coalition Dharma,” Singh told reporters on the sidelines of an international seminar on “Lessons from Indian Democracy: The Way Forward”.

Expectedly, the AIADMK has strongly opposed the idea and said it reflected the DMK’s “unabashed and shameless hunger for power”. “We will oppose the bill tooth and nail whenever it is introduced in the Parliament.  It is an affront on political ethos of the country,” a spokesman of AIADMK said.  

Meanwhile, in a bid to outsmart her bête noir, AIADMK supremo J Jayalalitha has sent a friend request to Congress President Sonia Gandhi on FB, offering her support to the UPA coalition. However, Sonia is yet to respond to the request