Headlines Tomorrow

History repeats itself. Lousy history repeats itself lousily. Following is a list of embargoed events, meant for automatic public release on the day they occur:

1)Raja admitted to Apollo Hospital: Telecom innovator and Dalit icon A Raja was rushed to a private hospital after he complained of chest pain, minutes before being taken to jail. The Delhi court, which remanded him to two-week judicial custody, permitted medical tests to be conducted on him at a corporate hospital of his choice.

Soon, 47-year-old Raja, with no medical history of hypertension, diabetes or cardiac problems, was admitted to a VIP block at Apollo Hospital and screened for all possible future ailments. According to doctors attending on him, his stay at the hospital would be co-terminus with the remand period. The reports of diagnostic tests would be ready on the day the remand period expires.

2)DMK dubs CBI as anti-Tamil: The DMK, an uncompromisingly pro-poor party, has accused the Central Bureau of Investigation of being anti-Dalit and anti-Tamil and falsely implicating its propaganda secretary A Raja in the 2G spectrum scam.

“From Aryan invasion to arrest of Raja, the Dravidians have been at the receiving end. The Hindi hegemonic forces are hurting Tamil pride,” the DMK Chief Kalaignar Karunanidhi said in a statement.

3)Kalmadi moves Pune court for anticipatory bail: Sensing imminent arrest in the CWG scam, the legendary sports administrator Suresh Kalmadi has approached a court in Pune, seeking anticipatory bail. Though he has been given sufficient time by the investigators to tamper with the evidence and cover his tracks, the Maratha strongman does not want to take any chances.   

4)Nation first, say “Adarsh” officers: The Defence officials involved in the “Adarsh” housing scandal have warned that any action against them would demoralize the armed forces. “Do you have any idea of what you are doing to the morale of jawans guarding the country’s borders?,” they said, referring to a flurry of media reports on how the prime land in Mumbai, meant for families of Kargil heroes, was gobbled up by politicians, bureaucrats and defence officials.

5)Left Front stages dharna at Singur project site: The leaders of left parties held a protest rally at Singur, seeking immediate cancellation of an industrial project. They accused the Mamata Banerjee government in West Bengal of resorting to “unbridled industrialization” in the area to dole out favours to some American companies.

6)India creates diplomatic history: It was a ton with a difference! India has scored a century, sending 100th letter to Pakistan urging it to dismantle the infrastructure of terror. The politely-worded letter came in the backdrop of simultaneous terror strikes across North India. Unlike the 26/11 Mumbai attacks, when terrorists took the sea route, they chose to walk into the country through Wagah border this time and indulged in mayhem. New Delhi pledged its commitment to continue the CBMs (Confidence Building Measures) after Islamabad said the attacks were the handiwork of “non-state actors”.

7)Home-coming, says Jagan: Once dubbed as enfant terrible of Congress, Y S Jagan Mohan Reddy has returned to the party he revolted against. “It is a home-coming for me. After all, my father YSR was associated with Congress till his last breath,” he said at the re-induction ceremony. On their part, Andhra Pradesh Congress leaders have dubbed as “media creation” the rancor between the ruling party and the former Kadapa MP. 

8)Rakhi Sawant to host reality scam show: After televised “Swayamvar” and instant “Insaaf”, the youth icon Rakhi Sawant is set to host a political reality show aimed at rewarding innovative scamsters. In the preliminary rounds of the programme, titled “Rakhi Ke Saath, Ghotala Ki Baath”, the contestants will be required to reel out the exact number of zeroes in the amounts associated with popular mega scams of the country.     

Everybody Loves A Good Election

Bowing to public sentiment, the Union Government has agreed to include a new column in the Unique Identification (UID) forms to broaden the choice on religious preference. The citizens can now declare “poll worship” as their religion and mark the relevant option in the form.

This will be in addition to the existing options under religion category. The decision to incorporate the new option was taken based on the findings of a nationwide survey that showed that a significant number of people, cutting across social profiles, worship elections with traditional fervor and gaiety.

The polls, the survey concluded, act as a glue to bind people and give them a sense of identity and purpose in the same way as religious practices do. The extensive survey, conducted by AC Nielsen ORG-MARG and commissioned by Union Home Ministry, looked at the underlying social factors that pump boundless energy into people to talk animatedly about elections.

“Elections are a national pastime in this country. They provide an escape route for the suffering masses who wish to see a bit of themselves in the winning candidates,” said a noted sociologist Prof Praful Das. Asked how escapism can be equated with religion, he explained that the two phenomena are indistinguishable when the “totality of experience” is taken into consideration.

Covering a sample size of over 65,000 people from a cross-section of the society, spread over 500 Parliamentary constituencies, the survey found that a sense of collective anticipation that grips masses during the election process, starting from announcement of schedule to declaration of results, is comparable to religious reverence and worship.

Among the social groups, journalists, talk show hosts, telegenic political analysts, psephologists, bored housewives, morning walkers and government employees were found to be ardent devotees of the new religion. These sections have admitted that their biggest fantasy was dreaming about snap polls and the resultant sense of well-being. 

The inclusion of “poll worship” among religious options in “Aadhar cards” has been welcomed by atheists and members of “Rebels-For-All-Seasons” cult. “This is cool, dude. I have always felt uncomfortable when asked to declare my religion. Since I love elections, this is the right choice,” said Rahul Verma, a JNU student leader. The communists, the leading players in the rebel market, have also welcomed the move while BJP and its ideological mentors said it would hurt religious sentiments and encourage deviant behaviour.

“I would call this carnivalization of democracy. Looking for solace in an unrelated activity may be dubbed as a psychological disorder by medical experts. But, when it reaches a critical mass in a society that is full of miseries and deprivation, it ceases to be a problem. In fact, it becomes a source of collective celebration,” said a well-known psephologist and leader of the survey team Muneendra Yadav.

“Who is winning here?” was rated as the most frequently asked question during interactions between strangers and social gatherings, the survey pointed out. It was also found to be the most favoured opening line for columnists and editors in their conversations with taxi drivers and tea-shop owners during their country-side assignments.

The survey teams could not gather data in the Dandakaranya region following threats from “Gandhians with Guns.” “By including poll worshipping category in Aadhar cards, the Indian State is trying to prove to the world that its people have faith in Parliamentary democracy. It is a conspiracy by Chidambaram and the agents of American imperialists to undermine revolutionary struggle of the oppressed masses,” said a statement issued by Maoist leader Ki”Shun”ji who changed his earlier name because of its overtly religious connotation.