Journalist found offering no expert comment on "Brexit"

In a startling development, a journalist was found not offering any profound analysis on Brexit. Abhijit (42) was seen going about his life normally, even several hours after the British referendum that triggered an online avalanche of analytical columns by senior media professionals and social scientists.

While his colleagues at office, ranging from resident editor to intern, came up with high-sounding theories on global implications of Brexit and prophetic one-liners on the future of international politics, he remained silent and did not take part in animated discussions on what lay ahead for the world.

“When I met Abhijit at office canteen, he merely reeled out the final tally of the “Remain” and “Leave” voting percentages. I was shocked because there was no hint of analysis in his tone and no insight into the subaltern factors and big picture impact. No attempt to link it to the angst of the aspirational class. How can a journalist be ignorant about the geo-political dynamics of such a cataclysmic event?” wondered a colleague on condition of anonymity.

When reports last came in, the media office was a beehive of political gyan being dished out by small groups of people gathered all over: cubicles, corridors, water cooler corner and canteen. Some spoke animatedly about how Brexit was a starting point of Britian’s inexorable descent into chaos and disintegration of Europe while others characterised it as a collective expression of sense of independence.

Now, LHC project to focus on Arnab

After the successful Large Hadron Collider (LHC) experiment, a team of global scientists has now embarked on a more ambitious and challenging research project to determine what causes highest human outrage level in Arnab Goswami.

Like the mysterious ‘God Particle’ that is believed to provide mass to the matter in the Universe, there could be a sub-atomic particle that gives God-like rage and a sense of omniscient power to Arnab. “The challenge before us is to pinpoint this mysterious element and understand its properties,” said a senior researcher associated with the project.

The experiment involves collecting samples of Arnab’s sound waves from ‘News Hour’ programme and putting them through the particle accelerator for a collision with protons. The collision data will then be analysed to observe the unique behaviour of Arnab’s sound waves.

Hailed as a marriage between behavioural science and quantum physics, the research project is expected to help scientists quantify, in absolute terms, the elusive “Arnab Constant,” the highest theoretically possible human outrage level, and set a benchmark for future. It will then become a standard measurement like gravity and atmospheric pressure.

'You Conceive. We Will Deliver IITian'

In a major scientific breakthrough, a leading IIT-JEE coaching institution in the country has invented an ultrasound scanning machine that can be used to impart lessons in Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry to the yet-to-be-born child in mother’s womb.

Using sound waves, the new technology converts loads of information into an easily absorbable substance that can start nourishing the foetus from fourth month onwards. “As the baby grows in the womb, it starts absorbing the CBSE syllabus chapter-wise. During weekends, there will be revision of syllabus that has been covered,” said the project head.

For parents who dream about their children becoming IITians so that they can hold their heads high in social circles, the coaching through ultrasound technology comes as a boon. Instead of sending their wards to the IIT Foundation coaching from primary school stage, they can now deliver a fully-grown, IIT-compliant baby.

Christened as “Sono Sona” (Golden Sound), the new technology will be patented soon and offered through a leading chain of diagnostics with Pan-India footprint, the institute spokesman said. “You conceive. We will deliver IITian,” will be the tagline of the institute.

I Outrage, Therefore I am

In a major social outreach initiative, Indian government has drawn up plans to do away with the age-old, exploitative caste system. In its place, a new, scientific categorization of people based on 'Outrage Index' will be undertaken to reflect changing realities.

Under the new policy, one billion plus people will be divided into groups according to their vulnerability levels and the nature of issues that can hurt their sentiments.

Using a complex set of algorithms, experts have recommended Outrage Index that takes into consideration several parameters such as social, cultural, religious, regional and other identities of individuals and their proclivity to get offended in any or all of these spheres.

“If outrage levels were to be factored into Human Development Index, India would have been the most developed nation by now. Why not leverage this inherent strength of ours to formulate appropriate public policies?” said a senior official of the Union Home Ministry involved in formulation of national policy on outrage management.

“Like BMI (Body Mass Index) to measure your obesity level, the Outrage Index gauges your propensity to get hurt. This gives us a broad framework to make policies,” the official said.

India has a potential to emerge as a superpower in terms of GDO (Gross Domestic Outrage) with people willing to pour out their outrage on a wide range of issues and often hitting the streets to demand ban on works of art they have not read/watched.

Given the recent spurt in the number of cases involving hurt sentiments, it has been decided to create a data bank of various social denominations and the issues that can provoke them to take the law into their own hands. As part of the initiative, the application form for Aaadhar cards will incorporate a column “Outrage Status”, asking people to specify what will hurt their sentiments in the order of intensity.

Meanwhile, Home Ministry has approached Arnab Goswami, the country’s leading player in anger market, to head the committee to formulate outrage guidelines. However, he expressed outrage over the idea of Outrage Index itself. “It seems he has an angrier-than-thou attitude,” an official said.

“Interstellar” scientific concepts simplified

1) Theory of Relativity: A phenomenon where politicians in power will ensure that the benefits are distributed among relatives.

2) Wormhole Travel: A cosy short-cut to power. It is like a fold in the fabric of space and time that connects two points separated by vast distances running into decades. By entering a wormhole, one can complete the political journey to power within a short span of time.

3) Spinning Black Holes: An extremely dense, massive and compact concentration of power that is dark with dishonesty. So much so that those around its periphery have a warped perception of space and time. They can actually distort time and space around them.

4) Gravitational Time Dilation: Since time is a relative construct, it runs at different rates for different reference frames. Those who are closer to a strong gravitational environment, provided by the lucre of power, experience slower rate of time flow, compared to the people struggling with their day-to-day lives in a weaker gravitational environment. As a result, you will find that people who are pitchforked to power appear to possess age-defying youthfulness.

5) Artificial Gravity: Creating a centrifugal force that pushes the unwanted functionaries of a political organisation to the outer walls of the power center so that only the kith and kin and dynasty worshippers can stay comfortably grounded.

6) Neutron stars: The next generation leaders of political dynasties. Of course, only sons.

7) Cryo-hibernation: Putting to sleep and reducing the metabolic rate of the traveler for a long haul journey. Example: Deve Gowda.

8) Tesseract, The Gravitational Singularity: A fifth dimension portal that allows a politician to manipulate space and time and rewrite the poll manifestoes of the past.

Media Statement From The Other World

“Following passage of the Space Acquisition Act by a joint sitting of the Union of Republics, the stage is now set for rolling out an ambitious project of inter-galactic super highway by removing the obstacles.

In a bid to improve infrastructure to facilitate high speed space travel across galaxies, the super highway project has been proposed. In the first phase, M23 star and the planets orbiting it would be cleared to make way for the super highway which is critical for our high speed inter-galactic missions and establishing new habitations.

An experts committee, constituted to study the project, had pointed out that one of the planets in the M23 star system harbours living creatures. But, after careful consideration of the facts and the pressing need to put in place the super highway project, it was concluded that the Blue Planet, which contains less advanced life, can be done away with. This small blue dot, with three-fourths water, has creatures that are anyway bent upon destroying their habitat.

The life span of even the most advanced among the species on this obscure planet does not exceed 100 planetary years. It is miniscule by any standards. Moreover, they had arrived quite recently compared to the age of the planet which is about 4.5 billion planetary years. It is also pointed out by experts that the Blue Planet civilization is not so advanced as to warrant establishing contact with them.

Under Section 66 of the Space Acquisition Act, all such obstacles can be removed to make way for building appropriate infrastructure to cater to our future space missions.”

Fiction Writers call it a day!

In a startling media statement, Indian fiction writers have announced that they would hang up their boots. Their decision to quit the profession stems from acute frustration over the ground realities in the country becoming stranger and weirder than any form of fiction they could conjure up.

“Look, we thrive on presenting a fictionalized world to the reader. But, when the day-to-day realities become stranger than fiction, what can we do? How can we survive? At least, fiction has a responsibility to make some sense but the reality has no such obligations. We quit,” said a renowned author.

Explaining the circumstances that hit at the very roots of their profession, he said that in terms of the bizarre quotient they were no match to the challenges posed by an assorted group of politicians, sarkari babus and the media. “Can any of us produce a greater fiction than a poll manifesto? Or a media sting operation? Or a departmental inquiry committee report? We simply cannot measure up to their imagination power,” the writer said.     

In the good old days when social life had a semblance of believability and certainty to it, the writers could sit down with barrels of vodka for inspiration and unveil fictionalized events to tickle the readers’ minds and take them on a flight of fantasy.

“Now, we face multiple challenges in a world where the everyday life experience of a common man is far more unusual, funky and spooky than any author can think of. How can you sell a fantasy fiction to a reader who is already bombarded with a thoroughly entertaining genre of fiction being dished out by politicians?” the soon-to-be-jobless author wondered.

Another writer of crime thrillers spoke about his imminent denouement: “After polishing off a bottle of whiskey borrowed from a friend, I came up with a brilliant plot for a thriller. But, when I watched a series of exclusive sting operations, reconstructed crime stories and edge-of-the-seat investigative stories about old, botched up police operations telecast on news channels throughout the day, I thought my days are finished. I have only one question to ask now: what is the meaning of my life?”

Sensing the approaching trouble, a young writer dropped his already faded thinking cap and switched over to a new role as the brand ambassador for an online marriage portal, helping India’s youth to find their life partners. “At least, through this mission, I can push the youth into another fictionalized world,” he quipped.