Fiction Writers call it a day!

In a startling media statement, Indian fiction writers have announced that they would hang up their boots. Their decision to quit the profession stems from acute frustration over the ground realities in the country becoming stranger and weirder than any form of fiction they could conjure up.

“Look, we thrive on presenting a fictionalized world to the reader. But, when the day-to-day realities become stranger than fiction, what can we do? How can we survive? At least, fiction has a responsibility to make some sense but the reality has no such obligations. We quit,” said a renowned author.

Explaining the circumstances that hit at the very roots of their profession, he said that in terms of the bizarre quotient they were no match to the challenges posed by an assorted group of politicians, sarkari babus and the media. “Can any of us produce a greater fiction than a poll manifesto? Or a media sting operation? Or a departmental inquiry committee report? We simply cannot measure up to their imagination power,” the writer said.     

In the good old days when social life had a semblance of believability and certainty to it, the writers could sit down with barrels of vodka for inspiration and unveil fictionalized events to tickle the readers’ minds and take them on a flight of fantasy.

“Now, we face multiple challenges in a world where the everyday life experience of a common man is far more unusual, funky and spooky than any author can think of. How can you sell a fantasy fiction to a reader who is already bombarded with a thoroughly entertaining genre of fiction being dished out by politicians?” the soon-to-be-jobless author wondered.

Another writer of crime thrillers spoke about his imminent denouement: “After polishing off a bottle of whiskey borrowed from a friend, I came up with a brilliant plot for a thriller. But, when I watched a series of exclusive sting operations, reconstructed crime stories and edge-of-the-seat investigative stories about old, botched up police operations telecast on news channels throughout the day, I thought my days are finished. I have only one question to ask now: what is the meaning of my life?”

Sensing the approaching trouble, a young writer dropped his already faded thinking cap and switched over to a new role as the brand ambassador for an online marriage portal, helping India’s youth to find their life partners. “At least, through this mission, I can push the youth into another fictionalized world,” he quipped.            

            

    

Bofors takes to blogging, pours out his anger!

Bofors, a child of pre-reforms era who went missing in Kumbh Mela years ago, has resurfaced now as an angry young man. He is angry because no one seems to acknowledge his pioneering role in scam-building in the country.

The nation has completely forgotten the original hero whose stellar contributions had catapulted India into the global map of big-ticket scandals.“Is this the way you treat your national heroes?” asked Bofors with an intense, Arnab Goswami-like expression in his voice.

"This is as humiliating as Tusshar Kapoor’s Bollywood career,” he admitted and vowed to fight for a pride of place among the hallowed pantheon of scamsters who are worshiped in the country. 

Like any outraged Indian youth, Bofors has taken to blogging to pour out his anger against an unjust system that has ignored the framers of the “con”stitution. Aptly titled “Yes, We Scam!”, his blog is a bare-all account of the journey of a neglected graft artiste, a heart-wrenching saga of a man who was once hailed as the whiz kid of the con world. 

     

Here is a sneak preview of his angst-filled blog post:

“Abandoned by the political class, I was made to feel like a boy who goes missing in a Kumbh Mela. On my return, I was hoping for an emotional re-union, reserved for a long-lost boy. But, what have I got in return? Nobody in the country seems to care about me.

I was expecting the nation to embrace me. But now, I have realized that much smoke has flowed from the barrel of the howitzers in the last 25 years. I am no more wanted as the country has come a long way in terms of the size and ingenuity of the scams.  A mere Rs 60 crore kickbacks, which I was credited with, is like peanuts these days, I am told.

I am also told that while ancient Indian mathematicians had invented the concept of zero, the present-day politicians are adding zeros to the scam amounts in innovative ways. Look, I have no fight with them. What all I am saying is I should get my due. Period.

I wanted to pour my heart out on Arnab’s “News Hour” show, a programme that seeks answers from the nation on pressing issues and dispenses instant justice. But, I was shouted down by the learned panelists across the political spectrum and an all-weather expert Suhel Seth.            

“Look, things have changed now. Size does matter. Look at 2G, CWG, Coalgate and Choppergate. What is Bofors’ standing in the market? It is like a Kiranawala taking on a Fortune-500 company. We advise Bofors to withdraw from the race and accept defeat like a true sportsman,” the Congress spokesman Manish Tiwari taunted me. 

Even the BJP spokesman did not come to my rescue. “We have disowned Bangaru Lakshman because he was caught accepting a mere Rs One lakh in the Tehelka sting operation. Such a small amount is an affront on our image and stature. I am sorry to say that Bofors does not qualify to be called a scam,” the BJP spokesman Ravishankar Prasad argued.

Being an investigator, adjudicator and moral policeman rolled into one, Arnab dismissed my case, placing me under BPL (Below Poverty Line) category of scams.

In a distressing moment like this, I get inspired by Arvind Kejriwal and think of launching my own political party called “scAam Aadmi”.    

Life of Lie

Ankit, an unemployed youth in his late 20s, is planning to drag film makers, poets and music directors to court, under “vicarious liability” clause, for “aiding and abetting” romantic notions that eventually messed up his life.

“Look, I have a Nirupama Roy-like mother coughing all the time in our 200 sq ft rented room in a Borivali chawl. A girl who I thought was my lover abandoned me because I have no job and my drunkard father deserted us for the same reason,” he said and went on to explain how his dreams of an Utopian world, fueled by Bollywood films and syrupy romantic thrillers, now lay shattered.

What came as a last straw was his failure to get an entry into the KBC show on Sony TV though his life story had all the markings of a telegenic tear-jerker. In fact, Ankit’s friends had told him that his plight would perfectly fit into the format that the game show producers were looking for to address the “aspirational quotient”.

In his formative years, Ankit was drawn towards message-oriented movies that he watched on Doordarshan at a neighbour’s home and felt euphoric and re-assured at the end of each outing as the rich heroine, draped a chiffon saree, walked out on her family to jump into the arms of her poor lover to the accompaniment of some stirring numbers.

Salim-Javed’s scripts celebrated the triumph of love that knew no socio-economic boundaries. The Rich were the evil guys living in big bungalows with a fleet of luxury cars, dispatching their muscular henchmen in SUVs to bump off a poor lover while the Poor were honest, upright, law-abiding and morally superior.

All through his adolescent phase, Ankit’s brain became a home theatre for the Bollywood romantic numbers to play out with woofers on. They were like God particles that gave him the mass.  Then, entered Neha into his life or rather into his imagination.

“She took just about a nano-second to spike my proposal. The last I saw her was when she was waiting for her company cab at Borivali junction, with her ID card hanging from her neck,” Ankit recalled.   

He then passionately explained how he spent years discussing with his friends about futility of pursuing a materialistic life and how he frequently punched his fist and kicked his leg into the air in a mock display of defiance.

“On one particular rainy night when my Nurupama Roy-like mother was coughing incessantly, I went to a medical shop, grabbed a medicine bottle and ran, hoping that I would transform into Amitabh Bachchan in the next frame. But, nothing of that sort happened even after running a fairly long distance. Instead, I was caught by passers-by,” the youth said.         

Spelling out his future plans, Ankit said he would sue the script writers and lyricists whose profound influences had curtailed his worldview and made a mess out of his life.    

Rage Republic!

In a path-breaking initiative, India has come up with a new policy of Outrage Index which categorizes people according to their vulnerability levels and the nature of issues that can hurt them.

Based on the recommendations of an expert committee, the central cabinet gave its nod to what is being billed as a revolutionary concept in governance that can provide a sense of re-assurance to various social groups who often hit the streets to express their hurt feelings.

Using a complex set of algorithms, experts have formulated the index that takes into consideration several parameters such as social, cultural, religious, regional, linguistic, caste and sub-caste status of individuals and their proclivity to get offended in any or all of these spheres.

“Like BMI (Body Mass Index) to measure your obesity level, the Outrage Index gauges your propensity to get hurt. This gives us a broad framework to make policies,” said a senior official of the Planning Commission which has been chosen as a nodal agency to implement the national policy on outrage management.

By putting in place a mechanism to measure the potential outrage among various sections, India hopes to become a global leader in terms of per capita indignation. The amazing ethnic diversity and a vast pool of young, aggrieved souls provide an ideal platform for India to emerge as a superpower in the anger market with highest GDO (Gross Domestic Outrage), the officials claimed.

Given the recent spurt in the number of cases involving hurt sentiments, it has been decided to create a data bank of various social denominations and the issues that can provoke them to take the law into their own hands.  

Accordingly, the application form for Aaadhar cards will incorporate a column “Outrage Status”, asking people to specify what will hurt their sentiments in the order of intensity.  In another far-reaching move, the government has decided to replace the Central Board of Film Certification with the Outrage Regulation and Management Committee headed by sagacious political thinker Digvijay Singh.

The Committee will recommend banning the movies with objectionable content even before any fringe outfit makes such a demand, thereby upholding the freedom of the potential aggrieved groups. It will also suggest cuts and audio mutes if they are deemed offensive to 25,000 odd “hyper-sensitive social denominations”.   

A similar system of screening will be put in place for art galleries, literary festivals and music academies. The artistes, painters and authors will henceforth be required to submit applications in triplicate, duly attested by a gazetted officer in the presence of at least two witnesses, stating that they would take full responsibility for any violent attacks by the offended mobs.   

A Calendar War!

A massive revolt is brewing in the world of Calendar. The protesters, numbering 364, have hit the streets and gave vent to their anger against the “hegemony and supremacy” of December 12 which gets all the attention of the world for being the birthday of superstar Rajnikanth.

At the heart of the uprising is a perceived sense of victimhood among the rest of the members of calendar. “We are treated like second-class citizens. What sin have we committed to face such a discrimination?” asked a protester, waving a placard that read “We want justice”.  Others also pitched in, vigorously waving banners containing slogans like “Do not make Dalits out of Dates”, “Dates too have dreams”, “Fight for equality”, “Down with one-man show”.

What came as a final straw for the simmering calendar community was the hype generated on the occasion of the sequential numerological arrangement 12-12-12. The breathless media coverage of Rajnikanth’s birthday and what it meant for humanity has stoked anger among the aggrieved dates. “Now, enough is enough. This is hurting our sentiments. We will not take this injustice and discrimination anymore,” fumed an agitator.

An emergency meeting of the rebel members was held to chalk out a future course of action to ensure a level-playing field for all those engaged in chronicling the journey of time. “Folks, we have been silently discharging our duty of recording the events and putting up with all the bullshit that goes in the name of human history. Now, the most important challenge before us is how to correct the mindset of human beings. They can neither have equality among themselves nor can they treat us equally. We need to speak up now,” said January 1, the senior most member of the group.

The meeting assumes significance as the unprecedented upheaval threatens to shake the very foundations of the sentinels of time. “Can we condemn December 12 as communal and a creation of RSS? This may please secular forces,” suggested February 28 whose only claim to fame is that Digvijay Singh was born on that day.

However, the meeting overruled his “pseudo-secular” idea. Then, the gathering turned its attention towards June 19 who always begins like a roar but ends in a whimper, exactly like the scion of India’s first political family born on the day.

“Can I send my team of observers to gauge the public mood on our plight?” asked June 19 in a hesitant tone. A senior member chided him, saying “Abey, Chup! Moov Math Khulao Meri. You know something? We have been telling the world that you will soon play a larger role in the affairs of the calendar management. But, you always slip into your shell and disappoint us.”  

While the main agenda of the meeting was to register a strong and unequivocal condemnation of the undue importance being given to December 12, the members also spoke about the need to debunk astrologers and numerologists for perpetuating wrong notions about certain periods of the day in a calendar year. “We take strong exception to the human concept of “Rahu Kalam” as it paints us in poor light,” a resolution adopted at the meeting said. 

Cries of a Comedian!

Indian stand-up comedians are now a worried lot. Their very survival is under threat. The reasons are not far to seek. Politicians and news channels are rapidly transgressing into their domain and may soon render them jobless.

“Look, our survival essentially depends on our ability to concoct bizarre situations and come up with funny lines to entertain the public. With politicians and television channels sounding stranger than fiction and thereby providing free and wholesome entertainment to the people, we sense a clear threat to our source of livelihood,” explained a leading professional comedian Rahul Joshi.

To buttress his point, he cited the recent statement of Samajwadi Party leader Mohan Singh that his party was not amenable to lobbying by Walmart because no one in the party could speak English. “Now, with a funny statement like this, do you need any further entertainment? And, on top of it, you have news channels repeating these bytes with special effects throughout the day. Do you think anyone would still feel like coming to our comedy shows?” asked Joshi.

Agreed Rehman Qureshi, another stand-up comedian whose stage performances have been facing dwindling crowds these days, forcing him to narrate jokes about Kim Kardashian’s wardrobe malfunction to hold the audience attention.

“We consider Digvijay Singh as the biggest threat. None of the comedians can ever match his twisted words. The next big threat is from India TV whose investigative crime stories and reality shows have become the main source of entertainment for urban audience,” he lamented.

The affected comedians have created a facebook page “We Hate Politician-Media nexus” and have formed Jaspal Bhatti National Federation of Professional Comedians to counter the emerging threat.

In Andhra Pradesh, the Telangana Congress MPs’ rib-tickling public performances, with unfailing regularity, have sent shivers down the spine of professional comedians. “If the present trend continues, we will soon be out of jobs. We cannot even give vent to our frustration by asking “where we are going?” because that expression has been patented by Chandrababu Naidu,” rued a local humourist Kantipudi Subba Rao.

He disclosed that the state JAC of comedians was in the process of preparing a list of the endangered comedians whose only course of action is to wait for Y S Jagan Mohan Reddy to come out of jail and undertake “Odarpu Yatra” for them.

Scam Is In The Air!

This may well turn out to be the Mother of all scams. According to a latest CAG report, the country could have lost trillions of rupees since independence because of the failure of successive governments to auction or tax the most important natural resource: Air.

Using a complex set of formulae, the federal auditor concluded that greedy corporates made a killing by using the air freely without having to pay anything to the government. The private sector should have been brought under “pay-as-you-go” regime where the organisations pay air tax on the income they earn.

“These profit-driven private companies have been breathing it easy, quite literally. Instead, the governments should be breathing down their necks. How can we afford to lose such an important source of revenue?” the C AG said in a report titled “ConAir, an anatomy of national loot.”

The CAG proposed a scientific formula to calculate the total volume and density of air that a private firm uses depending on the area it occupies, number of people it employs and its productivity. “Once the private entrepreneurs submit project reports, the governments concerned should have gone for either auction route or calculated an appropriate tax structure for utilizing the crucial natural resource,” the report said.

By not doing so, the nation has suffered an incalculable loss, the CAG said and pegged the figure at 65 ⁹⁶⁰ trillion rupees. “We are not here to air-brush the economy but to clear the air about what we think is the biggest scam in Independent India,” it said.

However, a junior CAG field official, who retired recently, disputed the figure and the manner in which it was arrived at. He said he had suggested a much lower figure of 12 ²³⁰ trillion but was overruled by his superiors.

Meanwhile, the Union Minister for Countering Scam Reports, Kapil Sibal, dubbed the loss as “notional and presumptive”.  “Clearly, the CAG has overstepped its brief and transgressed into the policy making area which is the prerogative of the government,” Sibal argued.

The BJP had initially wanted to seize the opportunity to attack the UPA government for perpetrating yet another mega scam but soon realized that the “ConAir” report talked about the cumulative losses since independence.