Fiction Writers call it a day!

In a startling media statement, Indian fiction writers have announced that they would hang up their boots. Their decision to quit the profession stems from acute frustration over the ground realities in the country becoming stranger and weirder than any form of fiction they could conjure up.

“Look, we thrive on presenting a fictionalized world to the reader. But, when the day-to-day realities become stranger than fiction, what can we do? How can we survive? At least, fiction has a responsibility to make some sense but the reality has no such obligations. We quit,” said a renowned author.

Explaining the circumstances that hit at the very roots of their profession, he said that in terms of the bizarre quotient they were no match to the challenges posed by an assorted group of politicians, sarkari babus and the media. “Can any of us produce a greater fiction than a poll manifesto? Or a media sting operation? Or a departmental inquiry committee report? We simply cannot measure up to their imagination power,” the writer said.     

In the good old days when social life had a semblance of believability and certainty to it, the writers could sit down with barrels of vodka for inspiration and unveil fictionalized events to tickle the readers’ minds and take them on a flight of fantasy.

“Now, we face multiple challenges in a world where the everyday life experience of a common man is far more unusual, funky and spooky than any author can think of. How can you sell a fantasy fiction to a reader who is already bombarded with a thoroughly entertaining genre of fiction being dished out by politicians?” the soon-to-be-jobless author wondered.

Another writer of crime thrillers spoke about his imminent denouement: “After polishing off a bottle of whiskey borrowed from a friend, I came up with a brilliant plot for a thriller. But, when I watched a series of exclusive sting operations, reconstructed crime stories and edge-of-the-seat investigative stories about old, botched up police operations telecast on news channels throughout the day, I thought my days are finished. I have only one question to ask now: what is the meaning of my life?”

Sensing the approaching trouble, a young writer dropped his already faded thinking cap and switched over to a new role as the brand ambassador for an online marriage portal, helping India’s youth to find their life partners. “At least, through this mission, I can push the youth into another fictionalized world,” he quipped.            

            

    

Bofors takes to blogging, pours out his anger!

Bofors, a child of pre-reforms era who went missing in Kumbh Mela years ago, has resurfaced now as an angry young man. He is angry because no one seems to acknowledge his pioneering role in scam-building in the country.

The nation has completely forgotten the original hero whose stellar contributions had catapulted India into the global map of big-ticket scandals.“Is this the way you treat your national heroes?” asked Bofors with an intense, Arnab Goswami-like expression in his voice.

"This is as humiliating as Tusshar Kapoor’s Bollywood career,” he admitted and vowed to fight for a pride of place among the hallowed pantheon of scamsters who are worshiped in the country. 

Like any outraged Indian youth, Bofors has taken to blogging to pour out his anger against an unjust system that has ignored the framers of the “con”stitution. Aptly titled “Yes, We Scam!”, his blog is a bare-all account of the journey of a neglected graft artiste, a heart-wrenching saga of a man who was once hailed as the whiz kid of the con world. 

     

Here is a sneak preview of his angst-filled blog post:

“Abandoned by the political class, I was made to feel like a boy who goes missing in a Kumbh Mela. On my return, I was hoping for an emotional re-union, reserved for a long-lost boy. But, what have I got in return? Nobody in the country seems to care about me.

I was expecting the nation to embrace me. But now, I have realized that much smoke has flowed from the barrel of the howitzers in the last 25 years. I am no more wanted as the country has come a long way in terms of the size and ingenuity of the scams.  A mere Rs 60 crore kickbacks, which I was credited with, is like peanuts these days, I am told.

I am also told that while ancient Indian mathematicians had invented the concept of zero, the present-day politicians are adding zeros to the scam amounts in innovative ways. Look, I have no fight with them. What all I am saying is I should get my due. Period.

I wanted to pour my heart out on Arnab’s “News Hour” show, a programme that seeks answers from the nation on pressing issues and dispenses instant justice. But, I was shouted down by the learned panelists across the political spectrum and an all-weather expert Suhel Seth.            

“Look, things have changed now. Size does matter. Look at 2G, CWG, Coalgate and Choppergate. What is Bofors’ standing in the market? It is like a Kiranawala taking on a Fortune-500 company. We advise Bofors to withdraw from the race and accept defeat like a true sportsman,” the Congress spokesman Manish Tiwari taunted me. 

Even the BJP spokesman did not come to my rescue. “We have disowned Bangaru Lakshman because he was caught accepting a mere Rs One lakh in the Tehelka sting operation. Such a small amount is an affront on our image and stature. I am sorry to say that Bofors does not qualify to be called a scam,” the BJP spokesman Ravishankar Prasad argued.

Being an investigator, adjudicator and moral policeman rolled into one, Arnab dismissed my case, placing me under BPL (Below Poverty Line) category of scams.

In a distressing moment like this, I get inspired by Arvind Kejriwal and think of launching my own political party called “scAam Aadmi”.    

Life of Lie

Ankit, an unemployed youth in his late 20s, is planning to drag film makers, poets and music directors to court, under “vicarious liability” clause, for “aiding and abetting” romantic notions that eventually messed up his life.

“Look, I have a Nirupama Roy-like mother coughing all the time in our 200 sq ft rented room in a Borivali chawl. A girl who I thought was my lover abandoned me because I have no job and my drunkard father deserted us for the same reason,” he said and went on to explain how his dreams of an Utopian world, fueled by Bollywood films and syrupy romantic thrillers, now lay shattered.

What came as a last straw was his failure to get an entry into the KBC show on Sony TV though his life story had all the markings of a telegenic tear-jerker. In fact, Ankit’s friends had told him that his plight would perfectly fit into the format that the game show producers were looking for to address the “aspirational quotient”.

In his formative years, Ankit was drawn towards message-oriented movies that he watched on Doordarshan at a neighbour’s home and felt euphoric and re-assured at the end of each outing as the rich heroine, draped a chiffon saree, walked out on her family to jump into the arms of her poor lover to the accompaniment of some stirring numbers.

Salim-Javed’s scripts celebrated the triumph of love that knew no socio-economic boundaries. The Rich were the evil guys living in big bungalows with a fleet of luxury cars, dispatching their muscular henchmen in SUVs to bump off a poor lover while the Poor were honest, upright, law-abiding and morally superior.

All through his adolescent phase, Ankit’s brain became a home theatre for the Bollywood romantic numbers to play out with woofers on. They were like God particles that gave him the mass.  Then, entered Neha into his life or rather into his imagination.

“She took just about a nano-second to spike my proposal. The last I saw her was when she was waiting for her company cab at Borivali junction, with her ID card hanging from her neck,” Ankit recalled.   

He then passionately explained how he spent years discussing with his friends about futility of pursuing a materialistic life and how he frequently punched his fist and kicked his leg into the air in a mock display of defiance.

“On one particular rainy night when my Nurupama Roy-like mother was coughing incessantly, I went to a medical shop, grabbed a medicine bottle and ran, hoping that I would transform into Amitabh Bachchan in the next frame. But, nothing of that sort happened even after running a fairly long distance. Instead, I was caught by passers-by,” the youth said.         

Spelling out his future plans, Ankit said he would sue the script writers and lyricists whose profound influences had curtailed his worldview and made a mess out of his life.    

Rage Republic!

In a path-breaking initiative, India has come up with a new policy of Outrage Index which categorizes people according to their vulnerability levels and the nature of issues that can hurt them.

Based on the recommendations of an expert committee, the central cabinet gave its nod to what is being billed as a revolutionary concept in governance that can provide a sense of re-assurance to various social groups who often hit the streets to express their hurt feelings.

Using a complex set of algorithms, experts have formulated the index that takes into consideration several parameters such as social, cultural, religious, regional, linguistic, caste and sub-caste status of individuals and their proclivity to get offended in any or all of these spheres.

“Like BMI (Body Mass Index) to measure your obesity level, the Outrage Index gauges your propensity to get hurt. This gives us a broad framework to make policies,” said a senior official of the Planning Commission which has been chosen as a nodal agency to implement the national policy on outrage management.

By putting in place a mechanism to measure the potential outrage among various sections, India hopes to become a global leader in terms of per capita indignation. The amazing ethnic diversity and a vast pool of young, aggrieved souls provide an ideal platform for India to emerge as a superpower in the anger market with highest GDO (Gross Domestic Outrage), the officials claimed.

Given the recent spurt in the number of cases involving hurt sentiments, it has been decided to create a data bank of various social denominations and the issues that can provoke them to take the law into their own hands.  

Accordingly, the application form for Aaadhar cards will incorporate a column “Outrage Status”, asking people to specify what will hurt their sentiments in the order of intensity.  In another far-reaching move, the government has decided to replace the Central Board of Film Certification with the Outrage Regulation and Management Committee headed by sagacious political thinker Digvijay Singh.

The Committee will recommend banning the movies with objectionable content even before any fringe outfit makes such a demand, thereby upholding the freedom of the potential aggrieved groups. It will also suggest cuts and audio mutes if they are deemed offensive to 25,000 odd “hyper-sensitive social denominations”.   

A similar system of screening will be put in place for art galleries, literary festivals and music academies. The artistes, painters and authors will henceforth be required to submit applications in triplicate, duly attested by a gazetted officer in the presence of at least two witnesses, stating that they would take full responsibility for any violent attacks by the offended mobs.